When you’re little, you don’t know anything about fame, cults, men playing volleyball shirtless in jean shorts or really anything that can happen in Hollywood.
That’s why, when you see Top Gun for the first time, you think that’s what kissing is like. That iconic scene when Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis’ characters finally act upon their bottled up passion.
As an adult, thinking about that scene, you giggle. They make love very passionately, in a soft blue moonlight. Open mouth kissing, with tongues gently caressing each other’s mouths and lips. All as “Take My Breath Away,” by Berlin plays in the background. However, since I just re-watched this scene – you know for research and fact checking – it’s still crazy hot.
We join the program immediately where we left off. Like Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. Mercifully, this episode is only one hour long.
Everyone’s just like, “What’s going to happen oh my God.” Chris Harrison immediately cuts to the chase and goes to Britt and tells her that she will NOT be the Bachelorette. Unhelpful Therapist™ Chris Harrison crafts every sentence for maximum run time, a quality I admire in a man.
Britt: there’s a place for your Gelfling beauty…it’s called Bachelor in Paradise. Don’t worry about it. See you a in a few months.
Britt holds it together and then…she doesn’t. Britt asks the camera, “I don’t know how many times you have to go out there…” Oh, honey, STAHP it, you’ll be fine, with your beauty and willingness to hug. Then she whimpers a few things.
So…Kaitlyn wins. Chris Harrison assures her that there will be wonderful footage of Britt in the limo, crying. (He didn’t actually say this, but it’s like reality show jazz: I’m hearing the words he’s NOT saying.) Kaitlyn is informed that she still has to do a rose ceremony this evening. Ryan, the drunk junk yard expert who insinuated that he wanted to have non-consensual sex with Kaitlyn, Britt, and fellow contestant Canadian Steve Sanders, has already been forcibly removed by security, so that easy decision has been made for her. The rest is pretty much a dice roll.
(His parents must be proud.)
I’m writing these first two recaps of Season 11 of The Bachelorette from high atop my Killjoy Feminist Mountain, where frankly, I am utterly unamused by this season’s ridiculous and offensive conceit.
How’s this going to work? Thirty or so interchangeable men with too-white teeth and overly gelled hair will vote on which woman gets to stay to be fought over: Britt the Huggable and Kaitlyn the Beat-Boxer. Immediately, the women get to be incredibly uncomfortable.
THEN, following this, the Bachelorette will emerge and continue her season. The first night is always madness, teeth, fancy neckties, and drunkenness, so we’re all going to buckle in for now and just try to get to it.
Introduction of the Ladies
Chris Harrison dismisses my disgust with this new format as “change,” which is “never easy.” Thanks for the mansplanation. I didn’t realize that I shouldn’t be offended.
Following Chris Harrison condescending to me, we re-meet the women. Kaitlyn: goofy, sexy, inappropriate. Britt: sweet, sincere (as sincere as a “waitress in Los Angeles” is as a contestant on a reality show), beautiful. The show further highlights how Kaitlyn loved taking off her clothes and Britt loved to cry. The women get glammed up to travel via limo to the house that one of them will pretend to live near throughout this season.
My husband and I were college sweethearts, then dated long distance across the Atlantic for a year, and finally moved in together and dated for a few more years. By the time our marriage rolled around, I thought we had everything figured out and there was nothing left to discuss.
Kids? Yes, two. (Three automatically if twins first.)
Pets: a dog, but not until we have a backyard.
What else is there?
We were so compatible we couldn’t think of anything we disagreed about and didn’t worry too much about figuring out any problems in the future. But, as we sat with Rabbi Lynn (his choice of religion, my choice of requiring a woman to officiate, check, check), she threw us a curveball.
“Here’s your homework,” she said. “I want you to think of five reasons you love your partner.”
In the coming week, I was shocked by this simple request. We decided that we wouldn’t discuss the answers, but that we’d write them down and share them with each other (and the rabbi) the following week.
Breakups are tough across the board, but it’s a different beast for the one who gets dumped. While the dumper tiptoed off the rug, methodically rolled it up and placed it in the hall closet, the dumpee simply had it tugged out from underneath them.
They’re hurled into a whirlwind of anger and shame and disbelief. They feel betrayed, yet still in love, which in turn makes them feel crazy. Their self-worth plummets, then rises on a good hair day, then plummets again when they see a sandwich that vaguely resembles the dumper’s face.
It’s very touch and go, and I feel for the dumpee. But I’m not talking to the dumpees; I’m talking to the dumpers. And dumpers, I’m here to tell you this:
Rejection is one of those things, isn’t it?
Even when you tell yourself, “This could go either way. I know I might not get the outcome I am hoping for. I am prepared for that,” it’s hard to actually be ready for it.
Nobody wants to get bad news. Nobody wants to hear the opposite of what they were hoping for.
There are a lot of affirmations out there – I’m sure you’ve seen a few on Instagram or Pinterest – that say “be brave” and “go forth” and “all you need is courage to do something amazing.” And all of that is true. You should be brave. Going forward is the best way to go. Staying in place is no good (physically it might be fine, we’re talking mentally and emotionally here) and going backwards is worse. Everybody tells you to take that chance, and they should.
But then, after that, what do you do?
Ten years ago, I was a senior in college just about to graduate. To celebrate, I went out with some of my best friends and my friend Jake, who had brought along his friend Mark.
We all spent the night dancing like crazy to hits of the 80ʼs, drinking and having a great time. Mark and I started dancing with each other and, as the night went on, he kissed me on the dance floor.
I was finally one half of a couple at middle school dances that makes out like crazy on the dance floor in front of everyone not giving a fuck – except please remember I was a senior in college, like of legal drinking age.
I had never met Mark before, but I knew that he and Jake had been friends for a long time. If he had Jake’s approval, then I knew he was a good guy. Also, he super cute, so, yes please.
Ok, so I did know one thing about Mark; I knew he had recently broken up with someone. That was fine with me, as I was leaving town soon anyway. I was going to use Mark. Not in a mean way. It’s just, come on, this was the perfect opportunity for me to get some real dates under my belt before I headed into the real world.
As the night wound down, Jake drove us home as Mark sat next to me in the back seat holding my hand.
Ever since that moment in “My So Called Life,” when Jordan takes Angela by the hand in the hallway, in front of all of his friends, declaring their relationship; holding someone’s hand is all I’ve ever wanted.
As we got to the bottom of my street, I told Jake that it was OK for him to drop me off there. I kissed Mark on the cheek, got out of the car, and began to walk up the steep hill to my apartment. It was almost 4:00am, the moon was setting, and the sun was just starting to rise. The street and sidewalks were wet from the rain earlier in the night. The streetlights, still on, were making things very romantic.
It was like a fucking movie, yʼall.
So, every week I like to round up what I refer to as the “Best Lady Tweets“, AKA, funny tweets from hilarious women on Twitter. And each week, it seems like an incredible surprise: a sort of, “Wow, time for this already? Didn’t I just do this?” I mean, the days/weeks/months are just flying by for me. Anyone else feel this way?
Well, whether you’re ready for it or not, the weekend is coming, and with it, these best lady tweets. Enjoy!
Honestly drunk girls I meet in bathrooms treat me better than 99% of the people I know.
— Jewpac Kippur (@jewfacekilla) May 5, 2015
Friendships come and go — it’s a way of life. Sometimes, it’s because of some major event or offense; one of you deeply hurt the other person, and you can’t move past it. But sometimes, both of you just gradually drift apart. And in some ways, this friendship break up is even harder to cope with. Because it’s not like you did something bad and deserve a break up. You don’t know exactly what went wrong, because nothing really “went wrong.” So it’s not like you can apologize and move on. You just have to…move on.
So whether your break up with your friend was like this — vague and without warning lights — or was straight up (and straight up painful), I have some advice on how to cope with a friend breaks up with you.
Drink lots of wine.
Am I actually advising that you drink to cope with your problems? You bet your sweet bippy I am. Don’t drink forever. Don’t drink so much that you forget your own name. Don’t drink and Facebook (or Tweet, or call). But if you don’t have a drinking problem and are looking to knock back a glass of Olivia Pope style red wine without feeling guilty, I give you my permission.
What a week! I’m still recovering from an injury, so I def needed something to make me laugh and smile, hence this week’s edition of Best Lady Tweets! I found what I think are some of the funniest and wittiest tweets from women on Twitter. I hope they make you laugh and smile as well! And do feel free to recommend your favorite lady tweeters!
Some days I just wish Lionel Richie could whisper "tom boi le de say de moi ya" to me and play with my hair until I fall asleep.
— denise (@Stellacopter) April 30, 2015
The-Gaggle.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click here to submit your work to us. We love you.