When you’re single, hearing your best friend refer to herself as “we”, can be annoying; “we” as in, your best friend and her boyfriend. “We” as in, “Oh we love/hate/don’t care for that/him/her.” It can be kind of tiring and the more someone “we’s” the more prone to eye-rolling you get.
But really, there’s nothing wrong with being a “we”. Dare I say we even celebrate the “we’s” of this world?
Because it’s just so hard to find someone in this world. Someone you really connect with, and who, miraculously, connects with you. Someone you love, and miraculously, loves you back. It really is like a miracle sometimes that out of all the billions of people in this world, you’ve found one who tolerates your quirks and even adores them. That’s worth celebrating.
We pick up, not unlike Karate Kid II, at the MOMENT we left off. Everyone analyzes Elise’s bananas speech, except Chris, who’s a whore. Elise continues to support the narrative that exists only in her mind. Elise explains that Dylan was the storm and Chris is the rainbow that comes after the storm. She is like an addict hunting for a crumb of logic, saying, “I must get something here. I must.”
Michelle Money explains that nothing can come between her and Marquel. Until two seconds later, when Danielle from JP’s season arrives, rocking a dress that is straight off the set of “Batdance.”
Given this foreshadowing, it is not surprising that Danielle chooses Marquel. Marquel’s all, “Yeah.” Suddenly everything is not awesome between Michelle and Marquel. Danielle explains that she came here for the rightest of reasons, which was to meet Marquel.
Let the “don’t be last scramble” begin.
Lauren Bacall passed away on August 12, 2014, and even at 89 years old, I still say she’s gone too soon. Lauren Bacall was what I always thought of as a woman, in italics. She was the kind of woman I wanted to be: in charge, with a presence that made made everyone freeze in their tracks. Here are some words of wisdom from this impeccable woman.
I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.
Love that attitude. How many actresses have we seen who damaged their faces in the attempt to stave off the inevitable marks of time? Bacall wasn’t going to be one of them. She was going to take her life and put it right on your face, and she’d look at you with that look she had, as if to suggest, “…and?”
Dear Oprah 4,
It is summer in my hemisphere, which means everyone is sticky for 3 whole months. The horrible humidity is killing me, Oprah, I hate it so, so much. Probably because my planet of origin is much more cool and dry, like an Earth desert at night, minus an additional hundred Fahrenheits. Our sand is basically just dry snow. We have camel-oid creatures whose natural hair pattern is a full-body parka, and a native cactus that secretes an ice cream-like substance which you can lick off if you’re extra careful to avoid the poison quills.
It is at this time of year that I am filled with an unquenchable longing for my native climate, especially since the Earth is feeling more and more like the violent and sweltering surface of Venus each year. (Yes I’ve been to Venus. It sucks there.)
Speaking of places I’ve been, outer space is full of fascinating destinations. I have floated peacefully in the swirly purple Massage Clouds of the Horsehead Nebula while on a restorative spa getaway with important alien ladyfriends. I’ve slid down all the slides of the famous Underwater Waterpark in the submerged city of Hydropolis like, multiple times. I’ve been to the bottom of the deepest canyon on the orange planet Raak, where I got separated from my guided tour and sought shelter in a derelict outpost when a strange fever overtook me, until I was nursed back to health by indigenous Raakian canyon-dwellers. And then there was the time my twin-sister Beetlejuicia and I hopped an interstellar space rail and rode it all the way to the outskirts of the Circinus Galaxy, where we got jobs harvesting hallucinogenic goldenberries from the fields of Terragold, a planet whose chief exports are gold, stuff made out of gold, and goldenberries. We had such fun and got such great tans until treacherous Bee predictably ruined everything by running off with all my golden terrabits and my Terragoldian lover, Rodrigo.
I’ve given you tips on what to wear for your greatest summer ever and how to have the greatest summer parties ever but now I’m going to a final hint on how to conquer this summer: it’s all in your mind. “Having the greatest anything” is all a state of mind. You have to realize that you can do anything you want. It’s like our greatest childhood heroes LeVar Burton and Yoda told us. Well, LeVar didn’t actually sing, “I can be anything” but he did host Reading Rainbow. Yoda actually did say, “Do or not; there is no try.” Do you see how these two comments are related? Are you going to say something cynical like, “Yeah they’re both written by Hollywood writers who got stupidly rich off of children’s dreams”? You could say that, sure. Or you could look at it a different way and say, “Yes, I see. They both say that if I apply myself and believe in myself, and work hard, I can do anything!” Or something. You can connect the dots however you like. That’s the beauty of it! I’m not going to tell you how to do things or how to look at things. But I’m going to help you realize that you can have it all. Anything you want, you can make it yours. Anything you want it the world. Yes, I quoted a pop song just now, but Shakira and “Weezy” were really onto something powerful.
Tonight, it is the ladies’ turn to choose which men stick around, so the shoe is on the other foot. And, as they say, that foot is me.
The Day After the First Rose Ceremony
Chris Harrison speedily brings us up to date on the Michelle K. drama. “It turns out that it wasn’t exactly true” that Michelle K. didn’t find love, he tells us. During pre-production, Michelle K. struck up a flirtation with the man in the hotel room next door. Who happened to be on the crew of the show.
Since Michelle K. will not explain to Chris Harrison’s face what happened, Curious-When-the-Mood-Strikes-Him Investigative Journalist™ Chris Harrison tells the story for us. So Michelle returned to that same hotel following her departure from the show to spend more time with that crew member.
The night she left the show, someone from the crew shows up at her room, asking to speak with her. Ryan goes out to the balcony to hide. Ryan decides to jump 25 feet from the balcony to the ground, as he is under the impression it is more like six feet to the ground. Following this, we have an interview with Ryan himself, who has two broken ankles.
I know a thing or twelve about bad decisions, and I’ll give you my firstborn* if there wasn’t liquor involved.
*Some restrictions apply
I was at a concert last night — a low key performance in a stranger’s backyard — when my peripheral vision caught a boy in a beanie. My heart stopped for an instant. Was it THAT boy? The one boy who once took up all the space in my brain, but has remained a literal after thought since he told me he couldn’t see me anymore because his girlfriend was on to him.
Scenarios ran through my head like splitting hairs, detailing the different ways our encounter would play out. As the band of cute boys from Vegas played their stripped down set, I imagined what I would say if I took the high road, the low road, or maybe even no road at all. Did I need more lipstick or a new stick of gum? Who would be the bigger person and nonchalantly say hello? Would we just ignore the elephant of our aged affair?
And then, I looked again, and I realized it wasn’t him. I felt a little crestfallen, disappointed that I wouldn’t have the chance to let my cool breezy attitude make him feel remorse for the way he had treated me seven years ago. Because, of course, that’s exactly what would happen; I’m sure of it.
I hadn’t thought about this person, who’d made me feel a little less than when I was twenty-two years old, in so long, but suddenly this phantom sighting erupted dormant resentment.
I kept shooting side glances at this, albeit better looking, impostor, squinting my shitty vision just to make sure it wasn’t him. And, just to be mean to my own brain, for a few masochistic moments, I pretended it was him for no other reason than to childishly poke a weird little immature beast inside me.
Meeting someone new and having a good time together is a good thing! But is it possible to fall in love too fast?
In Part 1 we talked about attending summer parties. Now let’s talk about how we’re going to dress this summer. This summer is all about dressing for success. You want to wear what’s comfortable or you want to wear what’s ridiculous. There is no in-between. You’re either going to wear that oversized Garfield t-shirt you’ve had since fifth grade or you’re going to wear your new vintage cocktail dress with fishnet tights and 90s Nine West boots. Don’t get stuck in the middle. The middle is nowhere. The middle is American Apparel, head-to-toe Urban Outfitters, or an uninspired outfit from the mall. AND THAT’S NOT HOW WE HAVE A GREAT SUMMER. No, no, we want to dress like Oberon or Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream meets Kylie Minogue. French 1960s cinema with a Kanye twist. Sexy George Washington. These are looks we should be going for.
Trust the universe. Trust the universe. Trust the universe. Ommmmm.
A mantra is a phrase or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation. Some of us may have them and not even realize we use them. I’ve adopted a few over the years to help ease my anxiety, re-focus my energy and come back to my moment. However, though they’ve proven themselves true time and again, I often doubt my mantras. I become fearful that I am using them as excuses. You see, I tend to over-rationalize difficult situations in an attempt to make sense of them. In my past, this has led to toxic relationships being drawn out for years and unhappy work environments being tolerated for too long. Life’s uncertainty leaves me anxious about how to make the distinction between what I can and can’t control.
The truth is, there is a balance that must be reached. While we must act with intention and take responsibility for those actions, we must also recognize that some circumstances in our life will be out of our control. That is a difficult thing for me to accept. And in order to make sense of it, I attempt to manipulate reasoning because I ache to understand the process. But what I’m realizing is that sometimes we won’t understand why until the reason is ready to present itself. So, we must practice the virtue of patience. With patience we can cherish our moments, good and bad, for the lessons they are, for the steps they take us toward our future. We’ll never be able to control all that life throws at us, but we will always be able to control how we react to it.
If you’re anything like me, this patience can be excruciating at times. It causes anxiety and fear of the unknown. It breeds self-doubt, causing us to forget all we’ve accomplished because we’re too busy looking ahead. Those emotions are real and they demand attention. Here are some ways I have found to stabilize them.
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