In real life, if there were a gaggle category called “The Guy Who Gives Lots of Love Advice to his Female Friends,” then this week’s gaggle guy would be a perfect fit. Well, there’s not! But lucky us, we got to pick his brain and glean his post-dating wisdom anyway. Keep reading for some male advice on relationship sex, long-distance flirtation and why men are such assholes.
To submit your questions for next week’s column, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org with “Ask A Gaggle Guy” in the subject line!
Question #1: My boyfriend is having trouble sleeping with me and getting turned on by me, now that we’re actually in a relationship. When we were getting to know each other and first started hooking up, he ripped my clothes off every chance he got. But now…not so much. He says that it’s harder for him to see me in a sexual way, now that we’re so emotionally close and are basically acting as each other’s day-to-day best friends.
We really love each other and don’t want to just give up on our sex life, but, what gives?? Is there some kind of Madonna/Whore complex going on here? How do I get him out of this mindset and start having regular, awesome sex again?
This is either not as complicated as it sounds, or exactly as complicated as you fear. Without direct access to your relationship, it is difficult to assess one from the other. So, since I’m one of those rare nice guys, I’ll try my best to answer this from both angles.
The simple answer is that your relationship has changed – and so, the type of sex you are having needs to change. When you first started dating, you were lusting for one another like animals. The foreign nature of romping around sans clothes with a fresh, sexy, unfamiliar body like untamed teenagers every chance you could get was surely exhilarating for both of you. It’s what makes new sex often the most incredible: the depth of the emotional connection is limited, and from a sensory aspect, it is extremely easy for each uninhibited participant to devote their energy to the physical.
As time went on, it seems that the two of you actually developed feelings for one another. Dare I say he actually loves and respects you – something that so many women wish more men would be capable of (congratulations on the gold strike). With those feelings usually come new terms for sex that make the type of animalistic San Diego Zoo sessions you were having seem a little less intimate.
Your guy probably doesn’t know it, but he likely wants to make love to you vs. just have sex. Perhaps he wants to have the emotionally connected kind of sex that takes two people’s conscious effort to achieve – the kind where you can look one another in the eye, and it makes the sex even better.
This evolution requires each of you to be engaging the mental in unison with the physical, but it can be just as fun, if not far more enjoyable. You’ll probably find it hard to believe that a guy could ever experience such a transformation, but I am telling you that “lovemaking” will be far better for the longevity of your relationship than just a sweaty old bump and grind sex life set to a Montell Jordan soundtrack.
How to encourage this transition? Talk to your guy when in bed and share some affection that doesn’t seem overtly sexual at first. Work this into your foreplay and see if he reciprocates. The trust and appreciation you show him will have him turned on more than a dirty phrase whispered in his ear or hot lingerie and stilettos. Save those tactics for a time when you’re both feeling playful (just because you’re making love now doesn’t mean you can’t fuck on occasion).
As noted, there is another possible reason for him suddenly going soft on you: his attraction has devolved. It might hurt to hear, but there is a chance that he has gotten to know you in such a way that he genuinely looks at you as a friend now, and no longer sees you as a sexual being. Perhaps the two of you share a bit too much of yourselves and are to a point where the lack of mystery and intrigue has brought him to this place.
All is not lost. You simply need to discuss openly what it is that turns him on in a general sense, and what it is that keeps him from seeing you in that light. Is it your habit of slurping milk from the cereal bowl every morning? Is it openly seeing you nude or in your underwear so often that he no longer has fuel to fantasize about your hidden features? There could be any number of reasons – all easily fixed with communication.
Final word of advice; if this guy doesn’t want to help you figure things out, then move on. Because he’s right: love without sex is just friendship.
Question #2: I just started hanging out with this guy, and we’re not really even close to “official,” but I dig him and have been psyched to see where it’s going to go. But he just got this new consulting job, and now he’s traveling 4 days a week (and sometimes more). Any tips on how to keep exploring that spark long-distance? I don’t think we’re up to Skype Sex yet, but just texting random stuff every now and again feels too boring. I’m worried we’ll lose interest in each other, just because he’s not here a lot!
As someone who spent 3+ years in a long-distance relationship, experienced a few cross-state flings, and still engages a former sex partner residing overseas, I would like to believe that I have grounds to help you.
For starters – be sure to confirm that he is traveling and not just buying time away from you. With that out of the way, it is important to look at the positives of your situation. The fact that your new man is traveling can be a great thing. It means you get to maintain a relationship while also living out an independent lifestyle. Your time spent apart should be taken advantage of as your window to focus on you. This leaves the time that he is around as coveted ground for sharing experiences together. If the couple from the previous question is experiencing problems in the bedroom because of too much time together, you are lucky to have the opposite issue. Each time you see him, you should want to rip his clothes off like a liquored up Snooki.
Where I am concerned with your specific situation is that you state you aren’t quite ready for revealing Skype sessions (these can be extremely fun when you are), but that you get bored by texting. I am unsure of your age, but something tells me that you are a full-on Millennial and have forgotten that your smartphone also has a call function. This happens to the best of us. But it isn’t like you are physically deprived if you are still seeing him weekly – some long-distance relationships require the patience of months. All you need to do is get through a few days at a time. So pick up the phone and talk!
Get to know one another. It doesn’t have to be sexual, either. If you have chemistry, it should naturally evolve into flirtation, teasing and anywhere else you wish to take it (really – try Skype!). Talk about things you want to do when you are together. Make plans for your next date, share your hopes and dreams…establish things to look forward to with one another. Watch the same movie or read the same book and then talk about it. Play Words with Friends or another App game together. You can even send him pictures or videos, if you’re comfortable (you choose the content and rating of PG to NC-17).
If you can’t have conversations together and fail to keep the fire burning this early on, then I would warn that time and distance have nothing to do with the problem. You’re probably just not meant to be together. Also – if you’re not official, be careful letting him see that you are analyzing things this much.
Question #3: Can you explain why guys talk to women for a few days through text and then disappear? Just a curiosity question.
I could explain. Then I could face the backlash of a million angry women (and probably still will). This is a loaded question and entirely circumstantial.
So here are just 10 of the infinite number of reasons. Pick your poison.
Image via raruschel
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