Hey, what’s better than a real human boyfriend? A fake digital boyfriend, obviously! Elitist announced to the world last week that, “A set of apps called Invisible Boyfriend and Invisible Girlfriend, now in beta, offer you the chance to create a significant other who will send texts and appear in photos with you.”
Um, wut? I get lonely sometimes (as all of us sad, sad, chronically single people do), but I don’t think having a robot text me sweet nothings at night would fix that. In fact, I think it would exacerbate my sadness, because it would be taunting me with what I don’t have.
The article points out the myriad uses for the app, which mostly concern tricking people. “The new partner also comes with a unique meet-cute story and shared photographs for your nosy aunt to see,” and “He or she will send real-time messages checking in on you, meaning your coworkers can watch a message exchange happen.”
But really, is it worth this whole kit and caboodle to lie to people who are just concerned about your wellbeing? Maybe I have a super-rad, mega-awesome family, but besides the occasional standard, “Is there anyone special?” I don’t get pestered about my personal life very much. Very, very, very occasionally, they’ll pry a teeny bit further, but who needs an invisible boyfriend app when we still have access to the good, ole-fashioned excuse? “Sorry family, I have a full-time job, a part time job, and a time-consuming hobby. No time for sweet, sweet lovin’.”
“Amanda Bradford doesn’t think her dating app, The League, is elitist. She prefers the word “curated,” the same way Ivy League schools and top employers select only the best candidates,” explains Business Insider.
Umm… girl, let’s not use euphemisms. It’s elitist. This is some straight up sorority girl booshit that just got $2.1 million in funding. It’s for a good cause though guys, “Ultimately, Bradford wants to match tons of power couples.” And, isn’t that what the free world needs, more power couples? I just wish Bradford had a modicum of self-awareness and understood that this truly is elitist. Just come out, say it, and embrace it. I’d respect it way more. Like, cool, I don’t agree but you do you girl.
If you’re wondering who the 4,500 beta users are, “Right now, the app skews slightly female, and its users often have advanced degrees. They tend to be in their late 20s; all have been carefully selected by Bradford’s team using an are-you-cool-enough algorithm her tech team built.”
Look, I was in a sorority for four whole years. I participated in grueling weeks of rush school for three of those years, which makes it pretty easy for me to sniff out some pretty obvious similarities between what I went through and what Bradford’s team apparently gets paid to do. #justsaying
As it is with most good things in life, there aren’t shortcuts to finding happy, long-lasting, relationship-type love. But this advice might help you along the way.
Welcome back to Best Lady Tweets! I’ve been feeling down and out this week, but nothing helps pick me up like a funny tweet. So here are some funny and great tweets from some ladies on Twitter, to lift your spirits, too. Enjoy!
BEER IS GLUTEN?!?!?!? *does the sign of the cross* *dies*
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) January 22, 2015
“What do you do?”
“I’m a waitress,” I say to the boy who just bought me a Corona. I’m in Beauty Bar on Cahuenga Blvd, in Hollywood.
“A waitress? Where?”
“California Pizza Kitchen,” I reply without batting an eye.
“Oh. That’s…cool. How do you guys know each other?” He asked gesturing his beer bottle between my best friend and I.
“We went to college together.”
“Oh yeah? Where?”
“USC,” I tell him, because it’s true.
“Really? And you’re a waitress?”
No, I wasn’t really a waitress at CPK. I had lied because I was 22 years old and lying to strangers in bars was fun. I had lied because in 2007, my job in SEO was confusing to explain to people.
I’m really good at sabotaging relationships. I wish I wasn’t, but I guess it’s just how I’m wired. Usually it’s because I overthink it, but there are many ways to sabotage a relationship, all of which I’m equally gifted in — except for one, and that is, the art of pulling away when you feel you’re getting too close. Perhaps you’ve experienced it.
Psychology Today reported on this way that people close themselves off in relationships, thus self-sabotaging themselves:
I can’t tell you how many people pull back the moment things get close. Caring about another person deeply is a truly painful thing. It makes us value them more, ourselves more and our lives more. Inevitably, it reminds us of time and loss. On another level, love challenges an old and familiar identity. It thrusts us into maturity and forces us to separate from our past. When we get close to someone, it shifts our tectonic plates. It is a poignant and powerful thing that can erupt a dormant volcano of underlying emotions—things we’ve buried and sat on for years. In order to not let these emotions demolish a flourishing relationship, we have to face these deeper scars. We have to recognize the ways we’ve been hurt and understand how those wounds inform our current behavior. This means being willing to feel pain without trying to numb ourselves or gloss over the feelings that come up. We cannot numb pain without numbing joy.
Personally, I’ve never done this, because my problem is, I get too close. But I’m reminded of an ex who did this to me.
Jimmy Kimmel arrives
Jimmy Kimmel arrives to the sounds of a rip-off of the resplendent Bernard Hermann score from both the 1962 and 1991 Cape Fear (directed by Martin Scorsese, my penultimate rose recipient), and rouses Farmer Chris.
Chris Harrison introduces the ladies to Jimmy Kimmel’s presence with the comment, “This week, there will be another man in your life.” Guesses from the crowd before Jimmy’s arrival include a “pig or an animal,” an “or something,” and “a dog.”
Everyone’s excited. Jimmy introduces the “Amazing” jar, in which women must contribute a dollar every time they say “amazing.” (It is FULL by the end of the episode).
Apparently I was trying to dole out hard hitting advice about love, relationships, and dating…before I even had any experience with any of it. I found a journal of writing from seventh grade and uncovered a plethora of early essays and self reflection. For the most part it’s cringe worthy, but also somewhat endearing. One of my favorite finds is an attempted humor piece entitled, “The Do’s And Don’t When You Meet a Boy.” It should be noted that I was at an all-girls school at the time. I have transcribed it for your entertainment:
Time once again to keep your looking-balls locked on our Best Lady Tweets and laugh those looking-balls right out of your head! Here are some of the funniest, greatest tweets from women on Twitter. Check ‘em out!
The most unrealistic part of HBO's GIRLS is how little they are on their phones
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) January 14, 2015
What happens when you can’t remember the name of the man in your bed? You give yourself an insane bathroom mirror pep talk…duh.
Have you ever wished for more realness in online dating? Settle For Love, a new dating website, has your back. Their tagline is “embrace perfection”, and they ask all users to list their pros and cons. You can even add photos in your list. For example, on their Kickstarter page, they play a pretty sad video of a lonely guy with thinning hair using the website to “settle” for love. He posts a photo of his balding mane along with the caption, “My hair is fading fast…” and a few other cons:
The first few episodes of every season are always a study in chaos, and tonight is no exception.
We start precisely where we left off, where Yoga Teacher Kimberly is walking back into the house while all of the other girls are cheering for their roses. A cacophony of “What is she doing here”s begins amongst the interchangeable women. Notably, it is light outside, which means they have been filming ALL NIGHT LONG.
Kimberly gives an impassioned speech to Farmer Chris, who looks stunned. He talks to Chris Harrison, unhelpful as always. “It’s your wife, there’s no rules…if you want her to stay, she can stay. If you want her to go, she goes.”
Farmer Chris brings her back into the fold of the chosen 300 (actually 23). Everyone claps supportively, and then talks garbage on confessional camera. Also, it is pointed out a few times that Farmer Chris is going to make his own rules.
The-Gaggle.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click here to submit your work to us. We love you.