Dating in 2014 is Log-Lady-from-Twin-Peaks level of weird. Unfortunately, it’s becoming clearer that gone are the days of hitting it off with someone at a party, “Can I take you to dinner and a movie?” and walking them to their front door. We now judge whether someone is “into” us off of how they respond and interact with us on social media. This is not a new idea. It’s just (mostly) truth.
I can’t say anything negative about it, really, since one of the main reasons my boyfriend and I are together is because I added him on Snapchat after we hit it off at a mutual friend’s housewarming party. We sent each other snaps of “The Office” season 3, silly faces, and eventually that grew into a real crush. We’ve been together for almost a year. Can I say, without sounding completely cheesy, that I’m absolutely, one hundred percent, in love with him? Because I am, no regrets.
But dating in 2014 can cause severe anxiety attacks. I know from my single days, from my friends who are currently dating, and from coworkers. We have to literally decode everything from, “He/She just favorited my tweet! Oh my God, they just favorited another one?!” to “They sent me that smirk emoji. What does it MEAN?!?!?!?!?” It’s exhausting and tiresome and embarrassing when we realize that while we’re having these kinds of conversations, our parents and grandparents owned houses and had several children by the time they were our age.
So… anyone else out there watching “Are You The One?” That is, besides me and 13 year old girls? Don’t judge me, alright. The show is addictive. It involves 10 guys and 11 girls all searching for their “Perfect Match.” If, by the end of 10 weeks, they all pair off correctly they win $1 million. (To split, I guess? That’s not much money divided between 20 people and accounting for taxes… but something tells me people old enough to be paying taxes aren’t exactly this show’s target demo.)
It’s easy to get invested in “Are You The One?” because there’s a mystery to solve: who is everyone’s perfect match? Also, that young man Anthony is not unattractive.
Years ago, a former roommate had a particularly acrimonious breakup with a man we’ll call Frank. They’d fallen hard and fast at first, and everything was sprinkles and roses for eight months. Until one evening over dinner, when Frank told her he wanted to be JUST FRIENDS instead of DATINGPARTNERTHINGS. But, Frank said, he did not want to lose the wonderful friendship they had. So he swore he up and down that they would be buddies, and he would henceforth make every effort to make things not-weird.
This roommate went home tearfully, got drunk, and then proceeded to spend the next six months doing what all naïve heartbreak victims do: she allowed Frank’s barrage of ‘friendly’ text messages, Facebook likes, and mass-emailed happy hour invitations to pour an enormous pile of salt on her infected, open flesh-wound of a heart. He had certainly made good on his promise of platonic kinship, and the more casual offers he dispensed the more the rusty knife in her hopeful little heart twisted.
Their strained relationship rotted quietly for a few months, occasionally bubbling over into a stank mess when mixed with alcohol. Each time it did, she’d melt into a pool on the bar bathroom floor/house party bathroom floor/apartment lobby floor and wail the same old wail: “Why is he [verbage implying sexual congress] that [noun implying a loose woman] and then being totally [adjective referring to Frank’s narcissistic lead-ons to emotionally crippled exes]? Are we even FRIENDSSS?!”
Time already for BEST LADY TWEETS!? You bet your sweet bippy it is! Welcome to my section of the Internet, in which I pick some of the funniest/truest/very best tweets from female comedians, writers, and the like, and share them with you. I do hope you enjoy! Let’s get to the tweets!
for once it would be nice to get a baby birth update like ” baby is amazing looks sort of mushy and mom is super cranky & very drugged out”
— Sophia Rivka Rossi (@sofifii) November 18, 2014
“Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits,” is a headline on Business Insider (but really content from the Atlantic OF COURSE because they LOVE faux science relationship research) that grabbed me by the lady balls a couple weeks ago. Having impressively kept the tab open all this time, I am here today to take a closer look at it.
Apparently, the secret to happy relationship is two things: kindness and generosity. Oh, so…just don’t be a dick.
When you’ve been single for a while, sometimes it seems like no one has any interest in you. How do you fix that? Get a Credit Card Boyfriend.
I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: Facebook sucks. Once again, I have embarrassed myself on Facebook, and I only had the best of intentions. I got back together with my ex boyfriend. Not because I hate being single but because it feels right. At this point, our not being together only seems like a pause in the relationship; we’ve been together longer than we haven’t. So I wanted to make it official, by changing my status on Facebook to “in a relationship”, which is something I’ve never done before, ever. I thought it would be a simple process. I thought it would go over with little fanfare. How very wrong I was. You see, Facebook took it upon itself to EMAIL MY FRIENDS PERSONALLY, to let them know I’m in a relationship. If I had known it was going to do that, I wouldn’t have changed my status. Here’s how it went down. I blurred the last names and faces of those involved:
I’m currently watching Never Been Kissed (which I own on DVD, but love watching when it comes on TV because it reminds me of simpler times when it was the only way you could catch your favorite movie) and thinking to myself, “They just don’t make them like they used to.”
They just don’t!
The mid to late nineties spawned an unrepeatable generation of teen romantic comedies, predominantly loosely based on timeless stories from literature. What a genius way to make a bunch of butterfly clip wearing, self-obsessed teens learn valuable lessons from great stories. Also, the soundtracks. My god, the soundtracks.
Because I’m feeling old and nostalgic, and channeling my inner teen — who takes up A LOT of room — here’s a list of the best of the best movies that taught us that finding love in high school is like, so totally possible.
Depending on how you approach it, dating someone in your group of friends can either be completely fine or totally awkward.
You know what that big blue bird means — it’s time again for Best Lady Tweets! This is the time in which I scour Twitter for the best, truest, smartest, funniest tweets from women on the web. I do hope you enjoy what I have in store for you!
I now count browser tabs to fall asleep
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 12, 2014
Have you heard of a “back-burner relationship”? Maybe you’ve had one. It’s a relationship in which there is, “a person to whom one is not presently committed, and with whom one maintains some degree of communication, in order to keep or establish the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement.” (Atlantic Monthly). It’s basically using someone for companionship or for sex when you’re not in a relationship, and don’t want to be in one, but just don’t want to be alone. It’s not the nicest thing to do to a person, but I suspect many of us have done it. And I also suspect many of us have been in one, but didn’t realize it. Here are some ways to tell if you’re in a back-burner relationship.
Sorry for being blunt here, but this is the best indicator. If they have no interest in going out with you or introducing you to their friends and/or parents, you’re likely looking at a back-burner. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a relationship based on sex — as long as it’s between two consenting adults who both know exactly what’s up. But if your idea of a date is going out and getting to know each other, and his/her idea of a date is “come over and we’ll ‘watch a movie’” (code for sex), then you’re on different pages. And you might just be on the back-burner page.
The-Gaggle.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click here to submit your work to us. We love you.